I want other people to know they are also able to reach for the things they never thought were possible.
I am not here for followers, I am here to make leaders. I am not here to show off or boast, I am here to teach you how to inspire yourself. I am not here for likes, I am here to love. I am here to tell you that I know how it feels. I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I have been there. If I can anyone can. I want to make obesity a distant memory, not just for me, but for all of us. I want to stress the importance of positive thinking and how vital it is that you love yourself unconditionally.
The before and after photo I posted of myself yesterday is a 13 year and 245 pound difference. In my before photo, I was 18 years old. Eighteen years of bad eating, being inactive, and of hating myself. Eighteen years of bullying and feeling like a monster, all built up. Eighteen years of using food as comfort. Each year I would get worse and worse. I was 400 pounds and eating myself into a coffin. Doctors feared for my life. I was out of control.
Shortly after my before picture, I had gastric bypass surgery at 19 years old. I got down to around 190-200 pounds, but even after having gastric bypass surgery, I was still unhealthy for over a decade. I wasn't able to eat as much food anymore. How else was I going to comfort myself now? I jumped from addiction to addiction and hurt myself in many self-inflictive, abusive ways. I would hurt myself so much. I was still out of control.
Around the start of 2013, my boyfriend, now fiancé, told me: "Not only are you hurting yourself, you are hurting me. It hurts me so damn much to see someone that I love hurt themselves the way you hurt yourself." I hated myself so much and was wholeheartedly convinced that I was unlovable. I hated myself and was so focused on hurting myself in unhealthy ways, I wasn't seeing that I was hurting the people that loved me so much and who I loved. I realized not only was I hurting myself, I was hurting everyone in my life. I failed to see that my self inflicted pain was causing so much pain around me, and I was refusing to love myself and accept that I was loveable. If I wasn't even able to love myself, how could I believe anyone could actually like me, let alone love me?
I finally started to realize I needed to make a lifestyle change. I needed to focus on nurturing, not hurting, my body AND mind. I started to eat clean and cook my own meals by reducing/omitting pre made, processed food. Cooking takes a little more time, but it is worth it. Plus I think it is really fun to experiment in the kitchen.
I am not perfect (none of us are) and perfection should not be strived for. I stopped beating myself up for slip ups. I make them, they happen, and you just gotta move on and keep going. Indulgences are vital and part of the program. Saying I will never eat cake or ice cream again is just unrealistic. I don't compete nor feel the need to be super strict. Maybe I will one day. But indulgences in moderation are key. It is about having indulges in moderation, not as habit.
However, there are some things I omit from my diet. I don't use artificial sweeteners, drink alcohol in excess, eat fast food, drink soda, or eat chemical ridden food. That kind of processed junk is what I try and avoid, since I firmly believe low quality food like that lead me to morbid obesity. Reading labels is so vital and needs to become a healthy habit. I know it's time consuming, but you have to really think about what you are putting into your body.
In addition to getting my eating under control, I started making exercise a regular habit, not something I dreaded. I started slow with running with frequent walking breaks. Looking back, I would get so frustrated I couldn't run past more than a few houses before having to stop and walk. I was expecting myself to run miles after never running in my life. Each time I would go a little further, push myself a little harder. "I will stop at the next mailbox for a few seconds. Just a little bit further this time." MENTAL STRENGTH. I eventually evolved to running miles and my first half marathon (13.1 miles!) was in the winter of 2013.
What really transformed my body was heavy lifting. I started to do bodyweight/strength circuit training workouts at home with my own body and a few sets of dumbbells. I would look online for moves and bust my ass for 40 minutes. I would still run, but only 1-2x a week, while lifting 3-4x a week. Exercise is essential for the body and mind. I have been through many mental struggles, and working out always makes me feel uplifted. Once you make exercise part of your routine and start eating better, you will look better, sleep better, and most importantly, feel better. You have to know you are a temple of greatness and that you don't want to fill your body with bad food. Eat clean for the most part, exercise, and drink lots of water. Water is the best thing for you.
Most importantly, I stopped hating myself and started to love myself. Thinking bad about yourself and hating yourself will only lead to a dark path. That's why the mental part is so important, but it is the part many fail to recognize. You have to love yourself. Even after having medically necessary excess skin removal surgery, I still have stretch marks, and of course scars. My body isn't perfect, but my flaws are beautiful. I love every scar; they show all that I have been through. For so many years I was focused on the aesthetic part. But that's just a perk. This is about transitioning out of old unhealthy habits and making new healthy ones. This is about having a healthy body AND mind. You should not compare yourself to anyone except the person you were yesterday. Social media is fantastic support, but PLEASE don't compare yourself to strangers on the Internet. Just do YOU, focus on YOU and your dreams, not everyone else and their stuff. This is YOUR story and YOUR journey. You gotta look in the mirror and see someone you love. Fight for YOURSELF. If it's not fought for it's not believed in! You can and you will. Believe it!
If I was healthy and active from the start, I wouldn't have gotten so out of control. If I started exercise and clean eating earlier, I would have saved a lot of time. But you live and you learn. Everything happens for a reason. I am here to tell you that there is no time to waste. The time is now. Just start. Push aside the negative feelings about yourself. Push aside the self-doubt. Tell yourself that you are stronger and that you're going to build your body stronger regardless of what anyone thinks (including yourself). If you start now, imagine where you will be in a few months. The time will pass anyway. Make your dreams your reality.
I have every faith that anyone can have a fit and healthy life, but it's ones own mind that needs convincing. I believe in you. You just have to believe in yourself! It is as easy as that. It's your mind you need to convince. For years I wished I could be fit and never gave myself the chance. You can become your wildest dreams, you just have to believe you're worth it. I finally stopped wishing and just started to do something about it!! Things will only change if WE do.
